It’s raining today. The kind of rain that doesn’t just fall, but lingers, tapping on the glass as if it wants to be let in. I’m sitting by my window, knees pulled up, trying to memorize the sound before summer slips away completely. There’s only a week left before school begins again, and I’m not sure if I’m ready.
I’m afraid of the girls. Not all of them, but enough of them. The ones with perfect hair and sharper smiles. The ones who seem to know exactly where they’re going in life, or at least pretend they do. But I’m also… curious. Maybe even hopeful. Because the boys are different. They’re older this year. Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen. Even nineteen. And it’s not that I’m chasing the idea of someone older, but there’s a certain magic in thinking that maybe, just maybe, one of them will look at me in a way that makes my heart race.
Sometimes I imagine my first date. Driving somewhere in an old car, windows down, my hair tangled in the wind. Music playing, something I’ve chosen so carefully it feels like it belongs to this moment forever. The road stretching ahead like a promise. I see us laughing over something small. I see the nervous way our hands might almost touch, and how I’ll try to focus on the song instead of my own heartbeat. Maybe there will be dance lessons. Maybe we’ll be terrible at them, but in the best possible way.
And in between all that, there’s me. Sitting in therapy once a week, learning how to not just do these things, but be in them. How to breathe. How to believe that I can be the kind of girl who has these moments and doesn’t run from them.
The rain keeps falling. The summer keeps ending. And I keep wondering who I’ll be when it’s over.
I'll update u, love, Lenna ❤
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