Past Life

You think I'm lost, but that's just how you found me. You saw me standing at the edge, mistook my stillness for uncertainty. But I wasn’t waiting to be saved. I was just watching, just breathing, just existing in a space that wasn’t meant to be claimed. Well, maybe, I'm the stranger after all. The one who drifts, who never quite settles, who always keeps a part of herself just out of reach. Maybe that’s why you looked at me the way you did - like I was something unfamiliar, something you wanted to understand but never quite could.  

Always wondered what would happen if I let you lose me. If I stopped holding space for you, stopped leaving breadcrumbs back to me. Would you even notice the silence? Or would you mistake it for peace? Always wondered what would happen if I let myself need more. If I stopped making excuses for less. If I let myself say, "This isn’t enough," instead of, "This will do."

When I'm older, I might decide that wanting more isn’t a flaw, that settling isn’t the same as staying, that love shouldn’t feel like convincing someone to choose me. Now I'm fine to leave you in a past life. Fine to let the version of me that stayed, that waited, that hoped—fade into something distant. Fine to walk forward without looking back. Maybe you found me once. But I don’t think you ever really knew me.

Ariana Grande was playing in my headphones last night, and my heartbeat matched her as she sung the new tracks on Eternal Sunshine Deluxe: Bright Days Ahead. Oh, the lyrics resonates with me at a depth that gives me goosebumps. Music is everything. The boys I've loved and lost, the best friends I've had close before they drifted away. It's a part of growing up, and life itself, but I have a hard time moving on. Until these songs, strangely enough. Thank you Ariana, sincerely, Lenna.