Meant for the city

"So you're somebody now

But what's a somebody in a nobody town

I don't think you even know it" - Professional, The Weeknd

I just got back from the capital. It's weird how you can go somewhere for just a few days and it feels like an entirely different world. And then you come back home, and everything is... still. Like nothing changed except me.

The city was alive. Like, really alive. Neon signs flickering, streets buzzing even at midnight, people rushing around like they have somewhere important to be. And me? I felt like I belonged there. Like I was a part of something bigger. I remember standing on a bridge, the lights reflecting off the water, and thinking: This is what it feels like to be infinite.

Now I'm back home. Everyone here keeps asking how my trip was, and I just smile and say it was fun. But it was more than fun. It was like breathing fresh air after being underwater for too long. And now? It feels like I'm holding my breath again. My mom, the only person I travelled with, is also different. That sparkle, that lust for life I get when I travel, it's gone as soon as the train or plane stops.

Food doesn't taste right anymore. Again. My appetite is completely gone, and I can go days without any food. But I have to eat a bit with my family. Sorry, I wasn't going to bring up struggles here... But how do you explain that your soul feels... homesick? For a place that isn’t even technically your home?

I know people say you should appreciate what you have, and I'm trying. Really. But it just feels like the smaller the place, the smaller I feel. Like I’m shrinking back into this version of me that doesn’t fit anymore. 

Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and the sky will seem bluer and I’ll laugh at something stupid and forget how heavy my chest feels. Or maybe not. Maybe this is what growing up is: realizing the world is huge and beautiful, and you’re stuck in one little corner of it.

Either way, I can’t stop thinking about the city. How the streets hummed like a song I didn’t know I knew all the words to. And how now, everything feels too quiet. Too slow.

I miss it. I miss her — the girl I was when I was there. Love, Lenna