Happy Halloween!

It's 304 days since it became 2024, and I had the whole year planned out. Now, here we are. Everything has changed so much that I am bedridden today. It feels like I will be forever.

I'm in love with two boys, have 124 new followers on Instagram and was in Budapest two weeks ago. I snap selfies for ten boys at the same time and know very well how to arrange the makeup every morning. Every single fucking morning before school. The boys call me hot, the girls stare, and I feel prettier every year. I'm a doll, for them to stare at and love and girls to either befriend or judge. Mum has told me she can't bear to hear more about my social life, so I push her away. She asked about it, but she is still annoyed by it. It is impossible to please her. So I please myself. Meet every situation head on, folks! 

Listening to I Want You To Love Me by Fiona Apple on my way home from seeing my biggest crush of all time in church, it was raining. A car almost drove me over, and I almost let it. I need him. I thought love was a pretty thing. But it's a bloody one. Hearts really are the right metaphor.

Happy halloween. I'll be dressed up as a deer, pink angel or your future wife. His future wife.

Kiss kiss, Lenna

They don't understand

 

Wanting nothing gives you everything

I apologize that my blog has been a silent witness to the passing of days. Four months of unwritten thoughts and unshared dreams, like autumn leaves drifting, waiting for a gentle breeze to stir them to life. Today, as the world turns a new page, I return to this digital corner. Welcome back, dear reader, to the blog of a girl who has changed drastically during the last few months. 

I no longer like Taylor Swift, but fill myself with romance novels from the 1930s. I have changed schools to one my mother works at, and have most people obsessing over me.

Wanting nothing gives you everything.

Suddenly, when I saw my own potential to be who I should be and stepped out of my past depressed and anorexic me, I shined. I prayed to God while the boys sent me messages and I became everything. Popular, happy, new. Polished, with makeup and new clothes. Skincare and expensive shampoo. I'm so much more beautiful, my skin is glowing and every day, the goal is to be stunning. Not just survive, but live in the new me.

What would the highest version of me do? I step into that mindset, as a fifteen-year-old. Mum understands me, and has started to love me again. Dad on the other hand, loses his mind over another lipgloss purchased from Too Faced. He dosen't understand how it's another part of me that the girls may go to the store and smell and perhaps buy, only because of me. How my following has gone up, and people complain about others being jealous of me. 

Guys, I'm so happy. I left my old school behind, along with the friends who pushed me down. I'm no longed on their level. I'm everything.

Wanting nothing gives you everything.

I love youuu, sincerely, Lenna